20060410

Put Your Number 2 Pencils Down

Juelz Santana: Losing My Love
Dipset: The Movement Moves On

"Losing My Love" is the only Juelz track on The Movement Moves On, and it comes about two thirds of the way through the tape, after it gets past the three or four good Cam songs and after the long-ass slog through Hell Rell solo tracks and boring-ass JR Writer joints, but before the neverending 40 Cal set and the fourteen-minute Funkmaster Flex session. Listening to an entire Dipset tape all the way through is a really depressing way to spend an afternoon; all those halfassed interview bits and blippy half-done beats and half-rapped-half-mumbled stab-you-up taunts can really drag out, especially when Cam recycles his "Dreams" freestyle lyrics for the kajillionth time and when Rell rhymes "anyway" with "anyway" and "anyway." So we really need a pick-me-up right around here, and that's exactly what we get. Juelz has good news for us: he's getting tired of rap.

That's good news because rap (meaning: me) has been done got tired of his lazy ass. So when the nice lady on the chorus sample sings "Could it be I'm losing my love?" and Bandana adds "for this rap shit," it's cause for celebration; maybe he won't be around to fuck up the next LL album with his clumsy-ass bark. He elaborates: "I sit in a daze, y'all / Twisting the haze y'all / I don't listen to rap, I listen to Dre, I listen to 'Hey Ya.'" Does anyone still listen to "Hey Ya"? I mean, when was the last time you were sitting around and thought to yourself "You know what I need to hear right this second? Motherfucking 'Hey Ya'"? Did you ever do that? If this means that the only bullshit verses on E-40 albums will come from E-40, that's fine. But wait, Juelz has more to say: "I've had it to here with all this fakin' rap / Shakin' this, you're fakin' that." You're faking shaking that? How do you do that? Whatever, fine, as long as the next Chris Brown club single has nobody blurting bullshit on the intro. "Seems like y'all amused with / Everything that got to do with party music." He doesn't like party music? Why? Doesn't Juelz like to party? Is he a square?

Oh wait, I guess he's not because he follows that up with "We could still party to this / Clap!" And then he claps for two bars. At Juelz Santana parties, everyone stands around and claps. That actually sounds kind of fun.

Also, the clapping is the best part of "Losing My Love" because the rest of it has Juelz Santana rapping on it. This is the kind of thing that happens when Juelz Santana raps: "Where I been, where I be, ha? In the street, ha / Now I'm back to ride this horsey like yee-ha." Also: "Yee-ha, yee-ha, giddy up now / To the sound of the touchdown." I'm confused: are people riding horses on a football field? Is that allowed? If it is, why hasn't anyone taken advantage? Horses can run faster than people. Also: how are these rap lyrics considered remotely acceptable?

It makes sense that Juelz is sick of rap music. I get sick of stuff when I'm not any good at it, too.

Also: this beat is terrible.