20060526

You Retire Out When You Die Out

Uncle Murder: Murdera! (Produced by DJ Green Lantern)
On My New York Shit

So, yeah, uh, dude's name is Uncle Murder. Question: Is this a title? Like when you called that kid "Motherfucker" in 5th grade and he responded by saying, "Heh, yea, I fucked your mother." Oooh, that guy. Does Uncle Murder only murder uncles? Cuz I have this Uncle Juniper in South Carolina he may want to holler at. Does he murder avuncular beats? "Harlem Streets," the "Hill Street Blues" shit from Purple, ahem, Haze is definitely on some sipping-on-a-Molson, laying-in-the-hammock while I'm forced to kick a damn soccer ball around with his lunatic toddler son and pretend he's good at soccer (He isn't.)

Actually, check that. The real question is, when Uncle Murder blows up and signs to Papoose's label or whatever ("Vowel Violence Entertainment Inc.") does he drop the 'Murder' from his name or the 'Uncle'? Middle Amerigo Vespucci obviously can't handle 'Murder' in a guy's name. But are we, as a people, prepared to hail an Uncle? He can never, ever be "the father of yo style." That's automatically a bad look if he's beefing with Maino and Red Cafe and Joell Ortiz in '09 (we'll all be dead by then, nuclear-ized by end-of-tape buster mixtape MCs in a swift, 'Scanners'-style mind-blow. Especially when these guys learn the word 'alliteration.' That's when the Four Horseman of the Rapocalypse -- Kay Slay, Cutmaster C, Ethan Padgett and Bob Christgau -- descend and show us "that New York shit," which is actually just a tote bag full of shit.)

He should just change his name to Uncle Rape.