For $4500 I Will John Doe You

Cam'ron: Leave You Alone
Killa Season

Totally wanted to tackle "Get Ya Gun," which may be the best damn thing on this farce. Too bad K. Sanneh pulled the shottie and spent slugs on it. All that stuff about drinking a can of pee and calling it pineapple soda, man he's still a freak wit it. Plus the ad-lib/overdubs on the chorus couldn't be more ghetto. Sounds like some basement shit, despite the churlish, "ethereal" production aesthetic. But the Gray Lady smashed that, so let's keep it movin'.

"Leave You Alone" is on the chipmunk game, sure. And that's tired ....... [......................] ......................... [......................] ............................. [..............] ................... you know what, fuck this 30 minute game. This is tired. I'm not sitting in this booth to let people know that we will spill out some wack invective on why this isn't or isn't worth it. It's designed for reaction. Why take the bait? Now is as good an opportunity to subvert the expectations as any. Wanna watch a Dipset backlash? Keep talking about it, that's secondary to what a real fan has in mind. When I copped Killa Season in a Best Buy ($14.99 Deluxe) six different folks picked up a copy, stared at the song titles, snickered, got happy and picked it up along with their new Tool and Rascal Fatts or whatever. Yell at some chump that's got nothing invested in an art form other than an opportunity to potshot a critic. And now, onto potshots!

Go listen to "Get Ya Gun." Matthew Perpetua has trenchant verisimilitude on "I.B.S." - that ole paragon of paradigm shift just odd enough to make whitey feel better about liking the guy that would punch you with his cock if he could. Celebrities - they're just like us! They shit! They feel! They bleed! They feel shit! They bleed shit! Not a metaphor. Respect due to the world's greatest rap critic. He knows things about rap things and other things that are rappy. Real talk.

Other safe mark ass white busters. If only people knew how to like stuff that they're supposed to like, then I can tell them why they can't like it and why they're racists. That's why I write for the streets and Baltimore house posters.

I will shoot at you if you squint at my diamond mind. You should run. I ain't scurred of you. I'm scared of me.




In What?

Cam'Ron [ft. Hell Rell]: "Something New"
Killa Season

Potshotting on Hell Rell is like shitting into a blind man's mouth and calling it a cataracts. Thing is dude leaves himself so open anymore I don't know whether I'm reaching grade-a asshole status with this post or just playing into what Rell really wanted all along--for someone to call him the Dipset Morgan Freeman. So there you have it. Penguins, prisons and 18 copies of Hellraiser, none of which I had to pay for.

But guess the "hell" what? Someone besides Jack loves Rell's swag. He took some time out his busy Hell on Earth CD duplication schedule to replace Jaheim here, probably last minute and I respect that. What's more probable, Jaheim bailed on Cam after the scene in Killa Season when the two degos go Rambo on that guy's dick, a/k/a the "touch it or not." These are tough times, so you can understand why Rell, a friend to the max, agreed.

Kowtow--it's Rutherford's favorite word to mispronounce, but for word or action Hell Rell doesn't have the patience. He's going to disobey Cam'Ron, even if neither of them realizes it. So this is what we know about the "she" of "Something New":

"she fly
she cute
she ride
(in what?)
in coupes

I like to pretend Hell Rell is the interlocutor there--like he's really curious and then is so amped he found out the answer. He isn't, but he's in the studio for sure:

"Hell Rell and a model sitting in a GT

Is it possible Rell's already forgotten what "she" ride in? His GT could be anything: Bentley GT, Mustang GT, GT3 that racing video game, Escort GT, GT the BMX bike, and I feel like there's a booth at Pizzeria Uno called "the GT" that's basically just the bike rack back in the kitchen where all the Mexicans keep their stunt bikes. I'm talking specifically the Third Avenue location, so the joke's on Cam. Hell Rell could be back there right now, and you just know his face is covered in cobb salad.


I Heard He Kill People

Cam'ron: Killa Cam (Intro)
Killa Season

Strings swirl, guitars tick down, drums, build up. It's been a year and a half. Too long. We're ready for this album to start. It's time. So here's Cam: "Before we get into this Killa Season, let's start this shit off with my man 40 Cal." Oh. Um, OK. We can do that. I guess. 40 Cal sucks and all, but Cam has just given him the biggest platform of his life, so he has to murder it, right? I mean, he can't not murder it, right? Oh man, 40 Cal sounds angry. Maybe he's angry because this "You will be wondering what are we gonna do now" hook comes in every three bars or some shit and keeps him from ever building up any kind of flow, like he could anyway. "I'm a role model, I make the hustlers proud / I make the customer smile." Proud doesn't rhyme with smile. Do the hustlers know that? If they did, maybe they wouldn't be so proud. "If it ain't Vivica, it's someone similar / Coming down the block, the suspense is killing ya." The suspense is not killing me. I feel like I've heard these lines before, but it's not like I keep a mental note of every 40 Cal verse I hear. I don't think 40 Cal even keeps a mental note of every 40 Cal verse he hears. Jack Swagger does, though. My favorite part is where some guy goes, "They make Hummers in brown?" because that guy is not 40 Cal. And then Cam does a song, and it's OK, but the damage has been done. You know what I like about Rick Ross? He's not 40 Cal.


I've Made A Huge Mistake

Rick Ross [ft. Trina]: Fuck With Your Shoes On
Purple City [ft. Buddy Klein]: Grind Slow
Juelz Santana: There It Go (The Whisper Song)
Juelz Santana: Oh Yes

Yeah, whatever, demolish 25 lousy beers in the fucking Mix Hut and next thing, heads are like, why are rappers talking about how hard their dicks are all the time? No homo, but that is so gay! Please explain this, Mix Hottt.

In fact, priapology, purple dick science, whatever you wanna call it, has been a part of rap at least since last year, when Dipset declared every New York single had to be about dicks if dudes were serious about bringing the city back. And now shit is like ’88 again:

-“There It Go (The Whistle Song):” Eighth-grade dance joke about dancing with a girl, getting a boner, then rubbing it in her back.

-“Oh Yes:” No bones about it, our dude Santana has a hard cock. If you have the radio edit of this song, it is time to get a new radio, asshole. Seriously: Best boner in rap?

- “Grind Slow:” B-List Purple City dude Buddy Klein wants the streets to know that there are more important things than everyday shit like creating sperm banks in girls’ mouths; his shit is all hard even when he isn’t doing that, which is why he should be on the next Crack-in-Flesh single.

-“Fuck With Your Shoes On:” Now Rick Ross may not be a good rapper (Girl you don’t know, how hard I aaaaaam!!!!!), or from New York, maybe not even as good as Pitbull, but look at his beard (I’ll stick this dick so far in you, I’ll drive you craaazy!!!!). Even haters know he’s got the second best boner in rap.